


The Start of a Journey

by Blackstarsabove



Series: Embers [1]
Category: The Last Kingdom (TV), The Warrior Chronicles | The Saxon Stories - Bernard Cornwell
Genre: Angst, Clapa is a good friend, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Finan is in love, M/M, Psychological Trauma, and everyone knows it, mentions of rape/non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:40:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24544021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackstarsabove/pseuds/Blackstarsabove
Summary: Where it all began. Finan may be convinced that Sihtric cursed him but that really doesn't matter anymore when the younger disappears, leaving Finan to figure out what it really is that he feels for him.
Relationships: Finan/Sihtric (The Last Kingdom)
Series: Embers [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1771612
Comments: 14
Kudos: 64





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I need to work on my description, I know.  
> I also know that the idea is similar to two other stories that exist in this fandom's but I promise that this one goes down a different route. It's just that I wrote many different beginnings and this one just worked best with what I was going for.  
> Feedback is as always welcome.

It was in the dim light of the candles that Finan first laid eyes on him.  
A Dane boy, Kjartan's bastard, Uhtred had told him. But he did not look like the Danes Finan had encountered so far.  
He was still young, around 16 if he had to guess, with sharp features and pale skin that was almost free of scars still. His dark brown hair was in three neat plaits on top of his head, the sides trimmed evenly and on the right side of his neck he noticed an inky black pattern though he could not quite identify what it was meant to represent. Finan's attention however kept shifting to the boy's kohl rimmed eyes. They were constantly moving around, searching for threats, Finan supposed. It was a phenomenon he had witnessed a lot abord Trader, usually on the days where the slavers were angrier and more cruel than normal. They had spent those days in constant fear of their whips.  
Then the Dane's eyes finally met his own, he saw the subtle difference in color, enhanced by the candles illuminating them. Even more striking was the sea of emotion reflected in them. All of a sudden he felt like he was intruding, like he had walked in on something that wasn't meant for his eyes. He turned away from the Dane, reaching for his cup as he retreated into his thoughts.

Finan had taken many lovers in the past, both female and in secret even male. He had been young and wealthy then, had had land and title. He had taken whatever it was that he had desired, had drank and whored whenever he felt like it, enjoying all the pleasant things that life had to offer, yet never in his time on earth had he felt a longing so great that it had settled itself deep inside his chest, right where his heart was meant to be. Never inhis life had he felt a longing as great as the one he had felt when he had taken his eyes off the Dane. And Finan was no stranger to longing. Back on the slave ship, when the nights were long and cold, he had longed for comfort, for home and his old life. An emotion so intense that it had left his heart bleeding until there was only bleak void left in its place  
It was as if the Dane had cursed him, Finan thought, trapping a piece of his very soul within those mesmerizing eyes of his. His grandmother had once told him of curses like these, where woman would try to make men fall in love with them to achieve a higher status or just because they were hopelessly in love. One of these curses, or rather spells, depending on one's personal opinion, had stuck with him for some reason. It had been about a servant girl that, when her master's wife had died, had taken a piece of skin from the corpse's arm and tied it to her master's arm when he had been asleep. Before he had woken she had taken the piece of skin off him and had hidden it and the charm had worked. She had married her master soon after. But the story had had a tragic ending because the charm lost its magic when it was lost in a house fire and the master had the woman beforehand. Finan remembered asking his grandmother how it was possible to just love without reason, without logic but now he knew. Because the Dane must have cursed him somehow. 

Finan was unable to forget about those eyes for the rest of the night. Even when the Dane had long since left them to go to sleep, they were burnt into his memory. He could see them whenever he closed his own eyes and not even the ale could help that. 

Finan didn't sleep that night, his thoughts circling around the Dane with the different colored eyes endlessly. 

He looked for him when morning came, trying to find him among the other Danes in the great hall but there was no trace of him. For a short moment he felt a sting in his heart, one that he recognized as disappointment, but he recovered quickly when Uhtred approached him.  
"There you are." The man smiled brightly as he pulled him into a brotherly hug, patting his back before handing him a cup of ale from the table. "I was worried you might have enjoyed yourself a bit too much last night."  
Finan took the cup from him, emptying it in one go. He grunted, not bothering to give a vocal response as he searched the crowd once more, just in case.  
"You are looking for Sihtric, aren't you? The young Dane with the different colored eyes? I saw the way you looked at him last night. Like a hungry man looks at meat", Uhtred added the last part to tease the Irishman, grinning victoriously.  
Finan couldn't help the shocked expression that took over his face for a heartbeat. Had his staring really been that obvious?  
"Don't worry, my friend. Your secret is safe with me", Uhtred added when Finan didn't respond, pulling him over to a table so they could both take a seat.  
"I sent him with a group of men. They are to scout ahead and check the roads to Dunholm for anything that might need our attention. When he returns, he's all yours", Uhtred explained once he had placed a plate in front of Finan, whose tired mind was struggling to keep up with all these words.  
All this time they had talked, the grin from earlier hadn't left Uhtred's face even once, which made the sudden shift in his expression all the more apparent. The grin disappeared, a warning look taking its place as he lowered his voice dangerously.  
"Sihtric has lived his life as a slave, he won't resist you. But he has my protection and should I learn that you forced his decision or harmed him in any way to get him into your bed, I will have your head."  
Finan couldn't help but shudder at the threat but the mood changed back just as quickly and before he could respond the smile had returned to his friend's face and he patted his shoulder, then he left him to his thoughts once more.

To Finan it was strange to talk so openly about lying with another men. Of course he, like many others, had done it in secret before but among Christians it was still considered a sin. One that could end on a pure. After all it served no purpose other than gaining pleasure from it and pleasure was something the Christians condemned rither way. On the other hand, Uhtred was no Christian and Finan really wasn't educated on what the Danes thought about the matter.

Finan tried to distract himself for the rest of the day but he couldn't forget about the Dane. It was ridiculous really. He had only just met him and yet it felt like Sihtric was all that mattered in his life. Uhtred had been right earlier. He felt like a starving man. Only that it wasn't food he desired. It was Sihtric.

A day passed and his desire only grew. As they sat together that night he decided to ask Clapa about Sihtric, eager to learn more about the boy that has ripped his soul apart and kept a piece for himself. Clapa was by no means a bright man but he was gentle and compassionate, a knowing smile on his face as he asked the question but it was Rypere who answered.  
"A good lad. Fiercely loyal despite who his father is. He is young but he has endured more than most of the man here." Finan hummed to show he had heard, picking up his cup again.  
"Apparently he didn't even flinch when the lord hit him." Rypere continued casually, apparently oblivious to the intention behind Finan's question.  
"Uhtred hit him?", Finan asked surprised, remembering how he had defended the boy earlier in the day.  
"Sihtric came here with Tekill, his former master from what I understand. Kjartan sent them to bring him Uhtred but they failed and took Sihtric hostage. Uhtred hit him with the shackles that had been meant for him."  
"And how come he joined Uhtred?"  
"Sihtric is a sly bastard", Rypere replied, smirking a bit, "he tricked Halig, saying he needed to take a shit. Somehow he managed stand his ground against two men, his hands still tied. Instead of fleeing he swore and oath to Uhtred."

Finan didn't know what to respond to that so he was silent, focusing on his food as the conversation returned to more basic subjects such as the weather and training progress. Sihtric must be a good fighter then.

The Irishman couldn't sleep that night either.

He grew more and more distracted as a result, losing training fights against men that were about as unskilled with a sword as he was when it came to singing.

At night, when he sat with Uhtred and Ragnar he almost dozed off until the arrival of a rider caught their attention. He could see surprise and confusion cross Uhtred's face before he turned to his brother.  
"That is Halfdan. I sent him to scout the road ahead two days ago."  
Fear gripped Finan's heart then. They were 5 days from Dunholm. There was no reason he should be back now. Especially not covered in blood.  
"Lord, we were ambushed." Uhtred stood then, concern clear on his face "Tell me what happened. Now."

Finan was pacing. Halfdan's group had been ambushed by Kjartan's men. They had taken the rest of the men hostage, which meant that now they were probably on their way to Dunholm where a painful death awaited them. But he couldn't even think about the other men. It was Sihtric he worried about. He had seen the pain and fear in his eyes and from what he had heard it was Kjartan who put it there. His heart yearned to protect the Dane, to have him close again, to look into his eyes once more.  
Sihtric really had cursed him.  
But the longer they waited the smaller the chances of ever seeing him alive again became.  
Not only was Sihtric his bastard son but he was also a traitor which would just make his inevitable death slower, possibly even more humiliating.  
Sihtric would never see Valhalla, the place every Dane wished to go to when their journey on this earth was over.

"We leave at first light. Finan, Clapa, Rypere i want you with me"  
Uhtred's voice brought him back into the present but the cold hand he had come to know as fear was still gripping his heart. There was no guarantee that the men were still alive, that Sihtric was still alive.  
"Get some rest", Uhtred added, patting Finan on the back, "you too. We will find them."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finan reflects on his feelings before setting out to find Sihtric.

Finan was ready long before the sun's rays would start painting the sky soft hues of pink and orange.  
He had tried to follow Uhtred's advice and had tried to get some rest but nightmares had tormented him whenever he had dared to close his eyes until he hadn't been able to take it any longer.  
Now he was sitting just outside the stables, watching the stars above to ground himself.

It was strange. For years, death had loomed over him and everyone else on that slave ship. Over those he had come to call his friends because there was no one else there with him.  
He had seen many of them die. Some from exhaustion, others from the slavers' whips and the rest hadn't survived one of the many storms they had encountered at sea.  
He barely remembered any of them now. A few faces had stuck with him, mostly the faces of people who had helped him in the early days, when he had still struggled to come to terms with the scarringly different life he had been forced into. Now they too were just a painful memory.

He had thought that the death of another man could no longer touch him, that he was immune to the sharp blade of loss. But now a boy he barely knew had taught him that he had been mistaken. 

Sihtric was broken, Finan knew that much. He had learned to see the signs, see the cracks, bigger and smaller. He has seen the fear on the Dane's face, had seen the pain in his eyes.  
But he had also learned to see the beauty in broken things.

He remembered with surprising clarity how he had once broken the glass in his window when he had returned from a night at the alehouse, considerably drunk after a night of drinking with his friends. His mother had been furious of course but Finan had not cared much back then.  
Now that he was older, he only smiled fondly at the memory of his mother.  
He had gone to sleep after their short argument, only to be woked by the bright, golden sunlight a few hours later. He had opened his eyes slowly, his head pounding but what he had seen there on the wall had taken his thoughts away from his hangover. Small rainbow specs had been spread all over the wall and floor next to him. It was a sight that had survived the end of his old life in Ireland, a sight that had withstood the storms around and inside of him at sea. It was only a memory but he treasured it greatly for it had taught him a lesson that only very few men would ever learn.  
The broken glass was what had shown him the true beauty of the sun and in Sihtric he saw the same beauty.  
A unique kind that many people would look past because they could only see the shards. They didn't bother to stop and wait until they showed what was hidden, didn't bother to wait for the sun to show them that broken things weren't always ugly.

Finan sighed, his eyes returning to the horizon that was a faint gray now. The sun would rise soon.

If someone were to ask him, Finan wouldn't be able to explain what it was that he felt for Sihtric. He might respond that it was a feeling like nostalgia because that was what it reminded him of. Often times he had looked towards the sky at night, when the rest of the ship had slept. He had looked at the stars for comfort seeing as they were a constant. It was still the same stars that he had seen in Ireland when he had still been a free man, free to do as he pleased. And his heart had bled and wept, longing to return home, to his old life.  
He wanted to follow his heart again. He wanted to follow his heart because he had been forced to deny it for so long.  
Finan had been a slave only a few years and yet it had felt like an eternity. Now he was free. He could experience the freedom he had missed so dearly, he could experience the purest and rawest form of freedom. He could follow his heart once more.

Memories of blood filled dreams flooded back into his mind, reminding him that his heart might be leading him to a graveside this time.  
Maybe in a few days the only thing that would remain was the memory of those breathtaking eyes. Finan knew even that would fade with time until only a dull ache would be left to fill its place whenever his mind reminded him what could have been.

Finan hesitantly reached for the cross around his neck, just holding it for a while as he tried to focus on reality instead of the illusions his fear riddled heart tried to force on him.  
Fearing for him wouldn't save Sihtric from his fate, it would only bring Finan more pain.

Many times the Irishman had almost lost his faith, wondering how he could believe in a god that let anyone, especially him, one of his followers, suffer a fate as horrible and as humiliating as slavery.  
But every time there had been a storm, every time he had been afraid he had found himself clutching the cross, seeking comfort even if it was just in the familiar shape.  
His mother had gifted him the cross when he had still been a young boy and somehow he had managed to hold onto it even when they had stripped him of all his other belongings. The Danes were superstitious people and Sverri, the slaver, more so than most. Another slave, an Irishman like him that has been aboard Trader for a year before Finan had arrived, had once told him that Sverri feared the wrath of every god, even the Christian one.

It felt wrong to pray for a pagan, even more so because he knew that even the thoughts he had about said pagan were a sin but Finan shook his head to rid himself of the doubts. God had never cared for what he had endured and it bad been a pagan who had saved him from a life in servitude. If God did really exist then he would forgive him this once. 

He let go of the cross just as Uhtred joined him, leaning on the fence behind them. He looked like he hadn't found any rest that night either.  
"You're early", Finan mumbled, hesitant to break the silence even if it wasn't a peaceful one. He sighed, handing his friend one of the apples he had found earlier.  
Uhtred took it from him, humming in agreement before biting into it. They both fell silent again for a while before Uhtred spoke up again, the pain his words caused him visible on his face despite the scarse light.  
"I feel guilty. When he swore his oath to me, I swore to protect him."

Uhtred and Finan had met in the darkest time of their lives. Finan liked to think that they were bound because sharing this kind of experience, this kind of pain, it formed a connection that reached far deeper than blood ever could.  
They had seen one another at their lowest many times. They had shared their food just like they had shared their pain, their tears, their pasts and even their dreams.  
When Halig had died it had been Finan who had been there for Uhtred and when Finan had been ready to end his journey on this earth it had been Uhtred who had given him new hope.  
There was no reason to hide anything from the other and they knew not to expect judgment in times like these, where one was vulnerable and allowed their defences to fall, if only for a few seconds, only mutual respect.

"We will find him", Finan replied, placing his hand on Uhtred's shoulder before squeezing it slightly. Maybe if he could make Uhtred believe those words then he would too. 

They sat in silence until the sun rose over the hills and trees in the distance, drowning everything in its soft, orange light.  
"Sihtric asked me about you before he left", Uhtred spoke suddenly, rising from where he had sat in the grass, "he wanted to train with you."

Finan rose from the ground as well, not sure what to make of his friend's words but deciding not to inquisition further and instead following him to the stables where they prepared their horses for the journey ahead. Clapa, Rypere and Halfdan had joined them in the meantime and just as the first golden rays illuminated the world around them, they left Eoferwic behind, steering their horses into the forest.

The grass was still wet with morning dew and a thin veil of fog covered the land. The forest around them seemed so peaceful, betraying the tension that loomed over the small group of riders. Finan could hear birds chirping in the trees above but in his mind there were only the screams that had filled his nightmares. 

Kjartan's men had a headstart and they would have to catch up to them within the next three days or else they would reach Dunholm. Then all hope of seeing their friends again would be lost. Maybe Kjartan would have their heads delivered to them on pikes but Finan didn't want to think about that.

They rode the rest of the day in silence, safe for Clapa and Rypere talking quietly among each other every so often, until the sun had disappeared behind them. Then they made camp for a few hours before they would continue. He could tell that Uhtred didn't want to rest at all but the horses were tired and they wouldn't stand a chance if they were forced to continue at a slow pace.

Once they had set up a small campfire and the rest of them had settled underneath their fur cloaks, Clapa approached him. Finan didn't know him well yet but Clapa had always been nice to him so he didn't send him away. The giant Dane placed a hand on his shoulder before offering him a small piece of meat. Rypere had caught a rabbit earlier and they had roasted it over the fire but Finally couldn't bring himself to eat. He shook his head at the offer, keeping his eyes fixated on the sparks that rose from the flames.  
"Sihtric is stronger than he looks." Clapa told him, taking a seat next to him.  
Finan glanced at him for a second, surprised that Clapa, a man that struggled to grasp even the simplest of logical concepts, could read people so well. Then again feelings were hardly a logical concept.  
"You like him"  
"I barely know him", Finan mumbled, not willing to admit it.  
"My mother told me that some souls just belong together. It is fate."  
Finan was silent for a moment, trying to come up with a response but he found none.  
"Anamchara she called it", Clapa continued after a moment of silence.  
"Soul friend", Finan translated, recognizing the Irish.  
Clapa smiled a bit then patted him on the shoulder, just a little too hard, before he took Finan's hand and opened it so he would have to take the food.  
"We will find him." He told him with a certain that Finan could only envy, then he left him again.

Finan didn't even try to sleep that night. He just laid awake, wrapped in his fur cloak with his eyes fixated on the stars in the sky above. He had heard the tales of the so called soulfriends before, that celtic belief that each person is connected to someone else since the beginning of time. Once two souls have joined, they will always recognize each other or something it is said.  
To him it had never been more than a tale that love sick men told when they had just taken another whore to their beds, claiming that it was love.

He was still thinking about Clapa's words when Uhtred ordered that they continue, yet he had not found any answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sihtric will be in the next chapter I promise. I just wanted to take the opportunity to focus on Finan a little bit to get a base for their relationship if you know what I mean.  
> It was an obstacle I created myself when I chose to make Finan get attached quickly instead of going for the slow burn variation. To me he just feels like a character that would follow his heart in matters like these and I tried to portray that in this chapter.  
> The Anamchara concept is actually a Celtic concept very similar to the greek concept of soulmates and I found it by chance when I was looking for a new necklace.   
> The concept will play a part as the story progresses but once Finan and Sihtric will be actually, physically together their relationship will get a bit less abstract and more 'rational'


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finan finally finds Sihtric but he is different from the boy he saw a few nights ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone teach me how to summarize please.  
> Feedback is very much appreciated

The sun had just set on the second day of their persue when they finally caught a glimpse of a fire through the trees where they grew less dense around a small clearing.  
It was a risky place to make camp for anyone who wasn't with Kjartan, seeing as it would be hard to defend in case of an ambush. But nobody would dare risking Kjartan's wrath by killing his men on his land.

They left their horses at a small stream close by, then moved through the bushes quietly to get a look of the camp's layout without drawing attention towards themselves.

Kjartan's men had made a fire, big enough to reveal the dozen men that slept around it, wrapped in furs to keep the cold of the early winter months at bay.  
On the opposite side of the clearing Finan could make out a single torch, a guard he guessed, possibly guardian the prisoners.  
"We attack now while they are still asleep. They won't see us coming", Uhtred whispered, glancing back at his men.  
"Finan, go around the clearing and take down that guard. We can't risk losing the men should any of them still be alive."  
It was clear to see that the thought pained Uhtred even know with only the pale moonlight to illuminate his friend's face.

The Irishman nodded a little, carefully starting to make his way through the trees. He had to be quiet and fast. If the guard heard him coming nothing would stop him from slitting their men's throats.

Of course it was Finan who found Sihtric in the end.  
After he had killed the guard he had found him kneeling underneath a tree there, at the far end of the camp, where the warmth of the fire couldn't reach him.

They had tied his wrists behind his back and as Finan moved closer, he could see that there was another rope around his neck, tying him to the tree like some filthy animal.  
His eyes were hidden behind a piece of dirty fabric and for a short moment Finan was reminded of a sight from his nightmares, where both of the Dane's eyes had been missing, taken by his own father as Finan was forced to watch it happen.  
But there was no time to think of those horrors because the Dane was there now, right in front of him, alive and breathing, even though his breaths were quick and shallow, far too uneven for Finan's liking.

The older man was hesitant when he finally approached him, knowing that Sihtric wouldn't be able to see him coming.  
Kjartan was known to be cruel and so were the men that chose to follow him. They most likely knew of Sihtric's betrayal or knew of his status, which left no doubt in his mind that they had done horrible things to the boy.  
The Irishman wasn't very familiar with the laws and customns of the Danes but he did know that they barely had any, a stark constrast to Alfred's Wessex where there was a new law every other day. He did know however that one of the worst crimes was betrayal. Committing this crime could cost even a free man his life or freedom and he didn't want to imagine what the punishment would be for a slave like Sihtric.  
But he was too late to change whatever it was that had happened to the boy. He could only try to make this easier for him.

"Sihtric", he called his name quietly, hoping not to startle him. The younger flinched nonetheless but remained silent, only dropping his head in submission like he had seen slaves do in hopes of lessening the punishment from their master.  
"It's Finan. You have nothing to fear", he added, frowning a little as he went to close the distance that still separated them.

Something cracked beneath his boot, causing the young Dane to flinch. Finan couldn't see what had made the sound near total in darkness but he didn't waste his time on thinking about it either.  
He was too worried what he would find underneath that blindfold. Still he was hesitant to finally take it off when he was close enough to do so.  
When he did however, dark eyes found his own within seconds.  
Finan didn't need much light to see the change in them. Where they had been bright with the small glimpse hope of a better life before, they were dull and empty now, a sight he had hoped to be spared for the rest of his life.

"No one will hurt you now", Finan found himself whispering, his hands working on untying the rope around Sihtric's neck, careful not to hurt the skin underneath even more. As he tugged on the end of it slightly, the rope gave way easily. They hadn't put it there to keep him from escaping, they had only used it to humiliate Sihtric further, to remind him of his place.  
Finan made quick work of the ropes binding his wrists and ankles, then reached out to cup the Dane's cheek before he could stop himself.  
Of course the Dane recoiled at the touch, almost falling backwards when he moved too quickly.  
Finan frowned, holding his hand out again, this time not touching him. 

He had seen this kind of behavior a few times, had been in a similar position before, years ago. He should have known better than to touch him without warning or consent.

"Come here, Sihtric. I will keep you safe. I swear that no harm will come to you."  
The Dane glanced up at him warily, searching for threats or signs that he was lying.  
He seemed to find none.  
"I know how you are feeling right now, trust me. I know that you are cold, tired, confused and in pain. But believe me when i tell you that you don't have to go through this alone. Not this time...not ever again. I am right here."  
He made sure his voice was soothing and quiet, trying to ease the fear that was still clear in Sihtric's eyes.  
"It's me. It's Finan. you remember Finan, don't you?"  
He kept his hand outstretched as Sihtric nodded slowly, leaning towards him only slightly. It was a start.  
"That's it...just let me help you."  
He wasn't sure if he was doing this the right way.  
Admittedly he had never been good when it came to comforting other people. Especially not people in this dangerous state Sihtric seemed to be in.

He had seen men act like this after battles or after the loss of loved ones. Sometimes, when Sverri had grown bored on one of the long nights at sea, he had taken one of the slave boys for the night. Those that returned has often acted similarly.  
Many never recovered, refusing food and drink until they inevitably passed away and those who survived, survived as different men.

He kept his voice gentle as he continued praising Sihtric, who, very slowly, inched closer until he finally took Finan's hand, latching onto it as if it were a lifeline when the older man didn't push him away.

The rest of the distance was closed quickly and soon the Dane's face was hidden against the Irishman's neck as he shook like a leaf in his arms. Finan shushed him gently, wrapping his own fur coat around Sihtric's shoulders.  
It took a while but eventually he felt the smaller man relaxing in his arms and soon the tears followed freely. A good sign, he knew from experience.  
Finan didn't judge him for it. No man had any right to.  
Everyone had a breaking point and Sihtric had gone far beyond his own, that much was clear.

"I will stay with you" he whispered, keeping his arms around him. "And I will listen if you want to talk."

They didn't move for a long while and Finan was glad that no one had come to look for them. He didn't know how well Sihtric would take to other people at the moment but he knew that most men could easily be overwhelmed when they were vulnerable like this.  
Especially a Dane like Sihtric, who had been taught from a young age that showing weakness would only get him hurt or killed.

Sihtric must have fallen asleep at some point, his breathing still shallow but more even now.  
Finan sighed. He knew that they couldn't stay here, where they could easily be spotted by the time morning came, but if he could just let Sihtric rest even a moment longer, spare him just a little bit of the pain that would await him when he opened his eyes again, then he would. 

Uhtred was the one to approach them in the early hours of morning, finding them both asleep. Sihtric was safely tucked away in Finan's arms while the older man had dozed off with his head resting on top of the younger's. He didn't know what had happened between the two of them the night before and he had a feeling that he would never know, much less understand it. But he was glad that they both seemed alright.

Sihtric wasn't someone to trust easily, yet in what had to have been one of the most vulnerable moments in his life, he had put his trust into Finan, a man he barely even knew.  
Then again Uhtred had always admired how Finan had looked after the other men back when they had still been slaves.  
He hadn't spoken much then but he had always made sure that everyone had something to eat even if that meant that he had to go hungry in those nights and often times he had volunteered to take the lashes that had been meant for another man.  
Many times he had watched Finan build others up from pieces, had seen him give them hope when nobody else would have still believed it possible to have any left.

Finan was a good man, Uhtred knew that, had sought his comfort and advice himself many times, and he had a feeling that Finan was just what Sihtric needed to finally heal the wounds his past had left behind. They would help each other heal.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sihtric suffers from the aftermath of his capture but Finan tries his best to be there for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really can't think of a summary at the moment but because at some point I'll have to go over all of them again I'm saving that for a later date.  
> As always I hope you enjoy this chapter and let me know what you think of it/ the story in general so far

Finan woke to the bright sunlight blinding him, momentarily confused as to where he was. He was cold and his neck ached slightly, a result of the awkward position he had fallen asleep in. The Irishman sighed as the events of the previous night started to return to his mind.

Sihtric was still asleep in his arms and Finan could feel his warm breath against the cold skin of his neck from where the young Dane was resting his head on the taller man's shoulder.  
Neither the sun nor the cold could reach him there.   
It almost hurt him to wake the boy but they would have to leave soon and Finan had to at least make him eat and drink something.  
He gently stroked over the back of Sihtric's head, not wanting to wake him too harshly.  
It was enough to make him stir at least.  
"You're safe" he mumbled when he felt hands pushing at his chest weakly a moment later, an attempt to get away from him he guessed. Surprisingly enough the Dane settled again, seeming to recognize his voice or at least the tone.  
"We need to leave soon. Do you think you will be able to eat something?"  
Nothing happened for a while and Finan almost wanted to repeat his question when Sihtric slowly shook his head.  
Finan hummed quietly, still stroking the back of his head.   
"That's fine...but then you have to drink something. I will help you, eh?"  
This time there was a nod before he felt the Dane shift, trying to sit up straight though that seemed to take a lot of effort.  
Finan stopped him, using one arm to hold him uprighg while he reached for his flask with the other.  
"You're injured. You shouldn't be moving"  
Sihtric didn't argue as Finan adjusted his position, making him lean back against his shoulder before bringing the flask to his lips.  
"Just like that..." He encouraged as the boy started drinking slowly, his shaky hands moving up to grasp the flask, scared it would be taken from him.

"Thank you" Sihtric whispered once he had had enough to drink, his eyes finding Finan's for a moment before he looked down again, seeming ashamed.

Finan was a well respected warrior just like Uhtred. Of course Sihtric was determined to impress him and prove his worth to his Lord but now was not the time for that. Sihtric was in need of rest as well as some proper care and Finan was more than willing to offer the latter.

He didn't know if it was because he felt like he owed it to Allistor, the Scottish slave that had done the same for him in his time of need, or because he felt something for the young man in his arms but he decided then and there that he would not abandon him.

With his finger the Irishman carefully lifted Sihtric's chin, making the boy look at him again. Now that it was morning he could see what had been hidden by the darkness the night before.  
Sihtric's skin was paler than usual, making the purple bruises that were blooming along his right cheekbone stand out like wine did on snow.  
One of his eyes, the brown one, was swollen slightly and in the corner of his mouth, Finan noticed a bit of dried blood that seemed to be Sihtric's own. The blood that covered half of his face as well as his hair however wasn't from what Finan could tell.  
Sihtric's dark brown hair was dishelved, blood and dirt streaked strands falling out of the two remaining plaits. Someone must have been pulling it, Finan figured, and hard.  
The Irishman sighed, focusing on Sihtric's eyes again so the younger wouldn't feel even more ashamed for how he looked.  
"You don't have to prove yourself to me."  
He mumbled, sighing as he put the flask away. It was clear that he didn't believe him.  
"Let's get you home, eh?"   
He offered after a while, when the silence became too unbearable, gaining a mute nod from the Dane in response.  
"You will ride with me" he told him, fixing the fur coat around Sihtric's shoulders, "I promised to keep you safe after all."  
Finan was trying his hardest to lighten the mood slightly, even offering him a small smile but the Dane nodded again, leaning back against Finan's chest as the taller man picked him up in his arms. He would probably have insisted on walking but even Finan could tell that the boy was too tired to argue. He had also noticed the way he didn't breathe properly, a sign that his ribs were injured, something that could cause complications if they didn't give him time to properly recover soon.  
The faraway look in his eyes hinted that he was still reliving what had happened to him, not yet fully aware of his surroundings or his pain.  
He would most likely only feel all of it when the initial shock had passed.

"You are safe with me", Finan reminded when he saw Uhtred and Clapa standing where the campfire had been the night before. He worried how the Dane would react to other people seeing him in this state yet when only a bit of space still separated them, Sihtric didn't react to them in any way and when Finan glanced down at him he could see that his eyes were already closed again.

Uhtred looked at them sadly but he didn't get closer, leading the way to the horses silently.  
He still blamed himself, that much was clear. The other men had been killed even though they must've survived the initial ambush, seeing as Finan had seen their bodies near the trees. Sihtric would have been faced with a fate worse than death if they hadn't been fast enough to save him. 

Finan was hesitant to let Clapa take Sihtric from him even though he knew that he had no choice other than letting the giant hold him while he got onto his horse.  
Still it felt a lot like he was betraying the boys trust. Especially now that he couldn't even speak up.   
Luckily Sihtric was exhausted enough and didn't wake, not even when Finan took him back from Clapa, settling him in his arms to make it as comfortable as possible for the young Dane.   
Around noon, when the winter sun stood high in the sky, they finally rode off, leaving the bodies of Kjartan's men behind as a warning.

It wasn't until evening that Sihtric woke again but Finan noticed immediately. The boy was suffering, trying to shift into a more comfortable position but failing to ease his pain.   
He took it wordlessly, not even a single sound escaping him. The Irishmen probably wouldn't have known that it was pain rather than just discomfort he was feeling if not for the small gasps when he breathed in too deeply.  
Finan placed a hand on Sihtric's forehead carefully, finding it to be hot to the touch.

Clapa, who rode behind them noticed the gesture, exchanging a look with Finan before he rode past them, speaking to Uhtred quietly. Sihtric opened his eyes just to look at Finan for a moment and had he not felt the fever already he would have been able to tell by the feverish glow that he saw there.  
After a moment Sihtric looked away again, his eyes assessing their surroundings even though Finan doubted that he could see much.  
It was the problem with this condition, the reason it was so dangerous. The hardest part was escaping the haunting memories and returning to the present.

"We make camp here for the night" Uhtred spoke up eventually, glancing back at the two of them before slowing his horse down to a stop.  
"Clapa, start a fire and see if you find anything edible. I will try to find herbs to help with the fever. Finan, you stay with Sihtric. Keep him warm and see if you find any wounds that need tending. Make sure he eats and drinks"

Clapa and Finan both nodded, moving to safely get Sihtric off their shared horse. He was still awake from what Finan could tell but seemed to have shut them out completely, not saying anything when he was passed down to Clapa before Finan took him into his own arms again.   
The older of the two carried him over to where Clapa would start their fire, adjusting the fur around him.

Finan let him rest for a while before bringing his flask to the younger's lips once again.  
"You need to drink something. It will make you feel better"  
But Sihtric refused, turning his head away. The Irishman sighed.  
He had expected something like this already.

It was complicated to deal with situations like these. Even more so because he barely knew Sihtric and if he happened to say the wrong words, which wasn't all too unlikely, he'd do more harm than good, possibly even lose the boy's trust in the process.

He remembered the mornings aboard Trader when he had seen man sit there, with their eyes blank, as they refused to take what little food they were offered. He remembered himself being in their place too, albeit only barely. He remembered what he had told them, how he had reminded them of their families, of their wives and children, how he had told them that they had to fight for their loved ones even if they couldn't fight for themselves.  
Sihtric had no family. He only had Uhtred, the man he had pledged his loyalty to without even knowing him properly. Uhtred was a good man, a man that was worthy of being followed but Finan doubted that he would be enough to bring Sihtric back from the edge so he took a leap of faith, hoping that even a small promise of better days would make a difference.  
"Uhtred told me you wanted to train with me", the Irishman mumbled, remembering the conversation he had had with his friend a few days ago, before they had set out to find Sihtric.  
That at least got the Dane's attention.  
"I've heard you're a good fighter. You'll have to teach me how to fight with your hands bound", he continued, smiling a little to encourage him.  
Finan recognized the faintest of smiles on Sihtric's handsome face, ever beautiful despite the bruises, taking that as a good sign and continuing.  
"And I will teach you my special tricks too"  
"I would like that" Sihtric whispered, the use of his voice almost surprising Finan. He had barely said a word since they had found him, a result of the bruises in his neck if he had to guess. He remembered the rope there, having to look away to avoid thinking of what had been done to him.  
"You'll need your strength. I won't go easy on you."   
They both smiled a bit and Finan held the flask to his lips again. This time Sihtric did drink.

But that was only a small victory in a seemingly never ending war that had cost countless men their lives already. It was a war fought without weapons, one no training could prepare a man for. It was a war deep within oneself.  
And for Sihtric the fighting had only just begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are moving very slowly at the moment, which I'm sorry for. I plan to make the next chapter a bit longer and I will most likely add a flashback explaining Finan's experience I've been hinting at in the last few chapters.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finan remembers a friend of the past and keeps on trying his best to help Sihtric

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments and kudos thru really mean the world to me💕  
> Also please excuse any typos and or grammar errors I have yet to bring myself to actually read over what I wrote without deleting it in the process.

_It was early in the morning, the sun had just risen when Finan woke. Every part of his body was aching, his muscles sore from rowing near constantly for the past week, his eyes burning from the harsh saltwater that had left behind rashes all over his body and the wounds on his back, where the whips had left behind their marks, were bleeding again._  
_He could hear the seagulls above, could hear the waves hitting the rump of the ship gently and for a moment he was reminded of green fields and grey skies, the cold wind hitting his skin as he looked down at the wild sea bellow. He was reminded of home._

Finan looked up at the sky thoughtfully, millions of stars shining bright against the endless black. He could hear Clapa's soft snoring where the Dane slept by the crackling fire not far away and it brought a small smile to his lips. He couldn't find sleep that night but he was no longer restless and tormented by nightmares.  
Sihtric was sleeping close to the fire where Finan could see him from the spot he had chosen for himself. He had gone to sleep after Clapa had coaxed him into eating a piece of the deer he had found injured earlier.

_But this place wasn't home. This was Trader, a slave ship. It was purgatory or hell, Finan was sure of it._  
_Vicious storms had kept them awake throughout most of the nights, the screams of the other men burned into his mind the way the slave mark was burnt into his shoulder._  
_They had rowed and bailed until the stars and the moon fell, giving way for the sun to take their place in the sky, men had cried while others had prayed, some had done both._  
_For what they had prayed, Finan wasn't sure. This was hardly a life worth living._  
_Many of the men were Christian, most of them Saxon, two Scots._  
_There had been another Irishmen, a friend in the life he had been forced to leave behind when he had been made a slave, but he had lost his life to the whips of the slavers._

They would reach Eoferwic within the next to days. There they would rest and Sihtric would recover fully before Finan would make good on his promise to train him. He would put aside his own desires and he would wait until they were both ready.

_One_ _night Sverri had chosen Finan in an attempt to break what was left of the man's spirit._  
_He hardly remembered anything other than the pain when he tried to piece together what had happened, other than that his mind was blank._  
_It was one of the Scots that checked on him. Allistor, Finan had heard them call_ _him._  
_He was a tall man, maybe ten years older than him, with long, red hair and scarred skin. Finan had seen him look after the other slaves when Sherri and his men weren't looking as much as he could at least._  
_They were almost always shackled, to keep them from drowning themselves so the only time they could move about was when Sverri left the ship with his men, to buy goods he could trade the next time they harbored somewhere. Then they would be left in the hull until Sverri returned and they were made to row again._

Finan must have dozed off for a while or he had been so lost in thought that he hadn't heard him coming but when he opened his eyes again, Sihtric stood in front of him, his fur coat wrapped around his shoulders. He was seeking comfort and Finan offered it to him silently.

 _Allistor_ _was sitting on the bench across from him, his dark eyes assessing Finan as he shivered despite the heat of the sun burning down upon them._  
_Sverri was gone now, drinking with his slavers yet he was ever present in Finan's mind._  
_Finan had remained motionless even though he felt sick. He felt dirty, used and the look the older man gave him made him want to hide away for the rest of his life._  
_"You were a warrior once, weren't you?", Allistor spoke suddenly, his voice strangely calming and grounding. Finan found himself nodding before he could stop himself._  
_"I could tell from the way you hold yourself", he continued, offering Finan a piece of stale bread but he didn't feel like eating, shaking his head silently. He wanted to starve, to move on to the next life now that every chance of returning to his past life was gone. He would never be able to face his wife again._

Sihtric nodded, his breath hitching as the trembling grew worse.  
"Don't let them hurt me", he whispered, closing his eyes tightly as Finan tried to shush him. The older man wished he could've stopped them from lying their hands on the Dane.  
"You are safe now. I'm here"

_"You are a fighter. Sverri won't change that. He might have taken your swords away as well as your armor but he can't take away what is inside your heart. He cannot change who you are unless you let him." Allistor continued, moving closer to Finan._  
_"Let me help you see"_  
_The Irishman didn't find it in himself to argue with the older man, allowing him to sit down next to him. All I st or reached for Finan's hair, which fell just over his shoulders at this point, then started to brush through it gently. The younger couldn't help but flinch when he felt a touch on his skin but he settled quickly, letting Alister continue._  
_"What do they call you?" He asked at one point, seeming to notice that Finan's mind was wandering back to what had happened or at least it was trying to._  
_"Finan", he replied quietly, not adding his title as he felt like he did not longer deserve it._

It was easy to forget how young Sihtric truly was. His arms were strong as those of a warrior from years of working and Finan had realized that while there were only two scars on his face, his back and chest were covered in them. So much suffering, more than most men had to endure their entire life.  
But now that the boy was asleep again, comforted by the thought that there was someone there with him, someone that would protect him from the horrors that lurked in the dark and filled his nightmares, he grieved for the youth Sihtric had never had.

Before they had first set out on their journey to find Sihtric, Finan had been planing on taking the young man to his bed but now even that thought alone seemed ridiculous.  
Sihtric needed someone that would be loyal to him as he was loyal to Uhtred. Someone who would be there to hold him when his memories returned to haunt him and who respected him as an individual, not viewing him as a some servant or slave.  
Finan wanted to be that someone.  
He wanted to help Sihtric heal and watch him grow into the warrior he was meant to be so that no one would ever dare to hurt him again.

 _Allistor was gentle as he started braiding his hair in a style that Finan recognized to be Celtic._ _Braids he had seen warriors wear back in Ireland._  
_"This ship makes you forget who you were, who you are, where you come from. So you need to be reminded", the Scott explained, "we might come from different countries but we have the same ancestors. Feared and respected warriors. Their blood flows in your_ _veins as it does in mine."_  
_It was a small gesture. It even seemed meaningless because Finan would never be free again. He would never again be able to honor the blood of his ancestors for his blood was tainted now._  
_But as Allistor's skilled hands wove more and more of these complex pattern into his hair, he felt a change deep within himself._  
_It was like a flame burning deep inside his heart and soul. He had thought that Sverri had put it out but it was still there, smaller and duller but he knew it would grow again._  
_It would grow and it would spread as he would give it to others, slaves like him that just needed a little spark of hope to believe again, that was what he promised Allistor as they returned his corpse to the sea._  
_He would never let Sverri win. He was Finan the Agile, a warrior, and one day he would be free again and he would kill the bastard that had tried to break him._

Finan was gentle when he woke Sihtric from his nightmare, not letting go of him as he gasped and cried, only very slowly returning to the present. The older man shushed him until he was calm again, finally resting against him once more.  
"Come with me", Finan mumbled, quietly as to not wake their friends, before he stood, helping Sihtric onto his feet as well.  
The boy breathed through the pain it caused him to move, looking confused as Finan lead him through the trees, to the small stream he had found earlier. There he sat down, waiting for Sihtric to do the same.

"I don't know what they did to you but I can see the signs", he started, noticing how Sihtric lowered his eyes.  
"They tried to break you, to make you feel weak"

Finan still struggled a bit with his Danish, the words just not sounding quite right to him as he spoke them. He hoped that the younger would understand him nonetheless.  
He knew that Sihtric understood and spoke English quite well but he had grown up speaking Danish and he was a Dane too. It was important that he reminded him of that.

"You are not weak", Finan spoke in Danish this time, testing the waters. Sihtric reacted immediately, a surprised look on his young face as he looked up to meet Finan's eyes.  
"You are a warrior and you are stronger than any man I know", he continued, reaching for Sihtric's wrist tenderly. The Dane let him take it, still too stunned to think twice about it.  
Finan gently ran his fingers along the marks the ropes had left behind, noticing Sihtric flinch slightly.  
"They knew that too. That's why they tied you down."  
The Irishman let go of his wrist, ripping a piece of fabric from his own tunic before dipping it into the water.  
He felt Sihtric's eyes on him as he wrung it out, bringing it up to the other's face slowly.  
The Dane didn't move away as he used it to clean his face from blood and dirt.  
"They knew that you were too strong so they wanted you to feel weak. You choose whether or not to believe them."

_Sverri laughed when he saw the braids in Finan's dirty hair. He insulted him and had one of his men whip him for it but the Irishman stood his ground, didn't give them the satisfaction of seeing him weak._  
_Sverri took him again that night but he couldn't break him anymore and even when he cut off the braids with his knife the flame remained burning inside Finan's heart._  
_It couldn't keep him safe from the memories that haunted him as the nights grew longer and sometimes, when the days grew equally as dark, Finan feared it had gone out again but it never did, burning brighter and brighter until it burned like the midsummer fires when he finally drove his sword into Sverri's throat._

Sihtric hadn't taken his eyes off him even once and when Finan looked close enough, for a split second he thought he could see a spark there, rising from the embers that Sihtric's own flame had left behind.  
"I will not lie to you. Fighting won't always be easy", he continued, wiping the last of the blood from his face, "but if you choose to pick up your sword then I will be there to be your shield."  
Sihtric smiled a bit and Finan feared for a moment that he had messed up and said something ridiculous but the Dane didn't laugh at him he just whispered his thanks then leaned his head forward slightly, looking down again.  
Finan used that to put their foreheads together, his hand coming to rest on the back of Sihtric's neck.  
"That is my oath to you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this wasn't too confusing with the memories and the 'now' if so let me know and I'll try to figure something different out I guess(?)  
> This is actually (probably) going to be the last chapter of this work because I feel like this is a good point to skip ahead a little bit but I will make the final decision on how to group all the works spontaneously so just keep an eye on the series😂

**Author's Note:**

> Once again I wasn't quite sure about this, especially because it is a core part of the story meaning that if I mess this up the entire story will go to Hel. I promise better chapters will come so please bare with me.  
> I just knew that if I kept rewriting this I'd end up abandoning the whole series altogether and I'd rather not do that.


End file.
